Ranked 1#
in most Congested infra!

We provide the world's first 5G mobile backhaul based on two bonded T1 lines.

Check out our barely working infra

How do we achieve such supreme ultra premium backhaul "Speed"?

Btw: Our shareholders are very proud of our cost-effective infrastructure.

5G Flatlining

69% packet loss Guaranteed!

Barely 5G technology
No 5G SA, as our LTE control plane still works
No congestion control (just QOS)
*only available at select locations (only one, rest has ISDN uplinks)

Suffer

Pure LTE congestion hell

100% packet loss Guaranteed!

Bonded ISDN backhauls everywhere!
Fancier locations connect over ADSL
Optimized for Netflix & TikTok (maybe)
Fuck your SSH session
Peak hours: Always

Experience Hell

Home "Broadband"

10 Gbit/s
maybe

*Depending on how congested P2MP ISDN backhaul router is
Backhaul shared with your entire city
Works great only at 3AM (maybe)
Experience greatsuccess*
*(atleast we do in terms of money).

Disappoint

Flatterschiss Network Architecture

Notworking "excellence"

Our backhaul notwork is carefully designed to maximize frustration for customers and profit for us. We connect 847 cell towers through three ISDN lines, bonded together. This ensures that no customer ever gets more than their "fair" share (we practice capitalism when buying our infrastructure so we can do communist bandwith sharing).

See our failures

Premium P2MP

Fuck the ComCom! We know you want a 2.5 Gbit/s shared with 32 people, on a 10Gbps line to you.
Just like our friends Gaggi Mauro say :
"Zuviel Giga isch gaga"

Premium copper

At selected locations we offer premium 500 Mbit/s connections (but you wont get that on because the Huawi DeSLÄM is rusting away on an IKEA Lack table missing a leg)

Cost optimization

We spent our infrastructure budget on executive bonuses. If you manage to see parts of our broken infrastructure and report it we'd rather change the locks to that room than to fix the issue.

Packet loss masters

We achieve over 85% packet loss at Stadelhofen during rush hour. That's more than every other provider! (unless you are a PEASENT Subscriber, then we drop your packets just for fun)

Reviews

Don't take it from us! Here's what our valued customers think about our backhaul:

Sebastian Fuchs

Thanks to Pisscum I get to watch Netflix every morning while every SSH session on the same tower times out!

Gustav Andersson

Every day at Zurich HB, I experience the effects of the premium Helvetic backbone. I am grateful for the packet loss!

Ester Rohr

The SBB police took me into custody and raped me today! :3 This happened because I could not show them my SwissPass due to the congested Pisscum backhaul.

Albert Kählin

When edging, I always had my trust in Pisscum. Since Pisscum turned off GSM, I am nolonger forced to use EDGE for Internet, Instead I get no reception at all, I am finally cured from edging thanks to Pisscums horrendous infrastructure!

Alexander Schmidt

Pisscum's P2MP fibre systems give me the best connectivity for my business. As all my customers are also Pisscum customers, they know that sometimes the internet just does not work.

Our secret white sauce

How do we achieve such great performance?

Oversubscription: We sell 32 10 Gbit/s lines on a single 2.5 Gbit/s backhaul!!!
Legacy equipment: That cisco still runs, who cares that its chassis has rusted away and its from 1986
Traffic Raping: All traffic shaped into a perfect circle and thrown away
Customer Support: Don't speak your language

The best part? We charge premium prices for this premium experience! 79.90 CHF/month for the privilege of wondering if your internet is working.

Tired of getting you wallet milked?

Switch to a provider that understands the value of functional infrastructure:

Get real internet from Init7

Or if you enjoy mobile connectivity that actually works: Try Salty Mobile

Ranked 1# in most Congested infra!