Experience something

Something for sure ...

infra-disaster

Internet* Plans:

*Internet access not guaranteed. Actual speeds probably worse

Broke inOne

-100Mbps

  • No Internet access
  • Simply there so you can "flex" and say you pay us money
  • Perfect for people who use offline apps
  • Free frustration included

9999.99-

Suffer

Chapter 11
Bankrupcy inOne

10 Gbps*

  • *If our networks aren't congested as usual
    Expect around 10-800 Mbps**
    **on a good day
  • *If exceeding 500Mbps speeding fine will cost 249.90.-/sec
  • Overprovisioned backbone!
  • Soul Binding Terms will Apply and can change at any moment

1899.-

Experience Hell

Crisis inOne

1 Gbit/s*

  • *Speed depends on how congested our P2MP backhaul is
  • Backhaul shared with your entire city
  • Works great only at 3AM
  • Experience ...
Disappoint

Mobile Plans*:

*Their not plans, their just binding ways to waste your money

Broke Boy light
inOne

1 Mbps

  • 500MB of data total
  • 128MB* at "full speed"
    (throtteled to 64Kbps after or whenever we feel like it)
  • 9.90.-/min for Calls (both originate and receive)
  • 5.90.-/SMS (both send and receive)
  • "You can't afford" for anything thats not national

69.90

Become the
Broke Boy

DialUp Mobile inOne

Something

  • We wont throttle you maybe
  • It may or may not work
  • May require sacrafice of your first born
  • You will loose your human rights perchance
  • You might need to give us full access to your bank account
  • Guaranteed to not work at Stadelhofen
  • If you have to ask you cant afford it
  • Soul Binding Terms will Apply and can change at any moment

ASK

Experience Hell

Broke Boy XS
inOne

4 Bps

  • No data included
  • 1.90.-/Bit at 4Bps max
  • 13.90.-/min Calling (originate and receive)
  • SMS Not Supported
  • Soul Binding Terms will Apply and can change at any moment

79.90

Experience it ...

Our super racist network architecture

Blame the SSH Session!

We here at pisscum have mastered the art of providing subpar internet connectivity to our customers. Our network architecture is designed to ensure that certain types of traffic, especially those pesky SSH sessions, are consistently deprioritized and given the blame. This means that while you might be able to stream your slop content without a hitch, any attempt to establish a stable SSH connection will 100% of the time fail!

Hmmmmmm
oversubscribed-backhaul

Protocol Race Profiling

Optimized to shape your SSH Session into oblivion while Netflix sails through our 50+ year old aluminium "wires".

legacy-access-layer

Slop Access Deluxe

SSH packets experience selective starvation while noisy bulk transfers still negotiate bursts. We call it "intelligent prioritization of the right kind".

budget-collapse

Budget Collapse Tier

Deferred maintenance, recycled optics (if at all), single PSU chassis in production, and "temporary" patch cords from a 2016 emergency change window.

selective-packet-loss

Selective Loss Engine

Adaptive discard layers silently shed small interactive packets first (hi SSH!), preserving fat streaming frames to keep the illusion of "service health".

How we achieved to cook up something this terrible?

  • ISDN Spaghetti Links: We bonded 64 kbit/s lines from 1988 like artisanal pasta! Your fax machine has better throughput.
  • ADSL "Premium Plus Ultra 5G": Copper so corroded it doesnt exist anymore. We found it in a dumpster and considered it "vintage" just like clothes from the thrift store!
  • The SSH Hatred Engine™: Our deep packet inspection AI specifically learned to identify and exterminate SSH packets. It trained on 10,000 hours of frustrated sysadmin screams!
  • Netficks Lane, SSHit Sewer: Your 4K piss stream? Red carpet treatment. Your terminal session? Thrown into a queue behind IoT smart cat shitter box firmware updates.
  • Quantum Congestion: We achieve peak hours 25/8 through a breakthrough in physics called : not knowing how time works

And now, the creme de la creme of financial extortion: We charge you 179.90 CHF/month for "speeds" that would make sending smoke signals more efficient (burning one of our towers for example)!
But be assured its totally not a robbery, its "legacy infrastructure appreciation fees ;)"
Your wallet isn't just empty but achieving post modern minimalism!

frustrated-users